Here we go again......

 It is evident by the one and only other post on this blog - also 10 years old - that the idea of needing or wanting and attempting to make changes in my life is constant.   Does that mean I have walked around unhappy all 40 of my years?  I don't think so.  Does it mean that I live in a constant state of discontent or wanting for more than what's in front of me?  I don't think that is true either.  Instead, I believe that some of us are seekers and some of us - not so much; some of us find ourselves content with what's in front of us and some of us see shiny things in every corner.  It's not necessarily bad or good; I don't have to think about my want for change or their lack of it in such black and white terms.  So what kind of change am I chasing now?  

This February it will be 5 years since my father's passing.  And for the last 5 years, I have credited his death with all kinds of things; weight gain, unhappiness, reclusiveness, indecisiveness, financial strain - and the list can go on and on and on.  But it's unfair to blame my father all these years later - as if I didn't blame him enough when he was alive - in the angsty teenage way, not to say my father was a bad father or guy because he was in fact a blessing.  

So stop blaming dad, 5 years later and now what?   What will I do to start changing or shifting or eradicating blame all together to get healthier, happier, active and social?

Today my goals are simple and I don't have to make a bullet list of 1000's things I hate about myself, because I actually do not hate myself.  Despite wanting to change some things, I am probably more self assured than I have been in a long time.  My goals are simple;

I want to loose weight and be a healthier, happier 40 year old.

What do I need to do to put myself on my goal path?  I need to eat healthier, but more than that - I need to return to the mindset that food is fuel.  Yes, it's okay to find pleasure in food - in feeding myself, in breaking bread with others, in exploring, planning, prepping and preparing.  However, it is fuel for the body and like any engine.  Right now my body is full from too much fuel - and at times, dirty fuel to boot.  And I believe that good input make good output - in other words, if I can adopt better food practices, other things I want to change will have a chance to fall into place.

Still - IF I am truly self assure why do I feel the need to write and at that, write publicly about these things?  I am not 100% certain how or why writing helps.  I've done a lot of writing and journaling - some shared, some not - since the start of my sobriety.  It's helped me tremendously, but it's not as if I routinely return to old writings and gain some magical wisdom.  I've never been published, so it's not like I have made money off of it.  I've only read my writings aloud to an audience once, so I gained neither fortune nor fame.  BUT I firmly believe writing works.  And as an alcoholic, I know sharing my story helps me and hearing other's stories helps me that much more.  

So I will continue to write and share.  I will use this blog to write about what's going on with me, what I am eating, share pictures of food and recipes for those who maybe want to exchange knowledge and tips.  And in all this writing and sharing, I will change.